Toast
When times are tough, we are more accustomed with the idea of turning to drugs or alcohol for escapism. They are addictions that we are familiar with and they – sort of – make sense. The world becomes a little hazy in their presence, it is easier to forget and almost disappear for the day. Despite being exceptionally destructive pathways for perceived emotional support.
Yet many struggle with the idea that a bowl of Bolognese, a quarter of pear drops or even… a piece of toast… may help to soften their hurt and pain momentarily too. It just doesn’t make sense. It is a less recognised but exceptionally common and equally destructive pathway for perceived emotional support.
Comfort eating/binge eating are associated with a release of serotonin making us feel good and masking our internal battles. Sugar is particularly addictive in releasing an emotional high (followed by an almighty low, encouraging us to find our next fix. Now recognised as more addictive than heroin)
For me, bingeing was about memory recall. I would disappear in to a comfort provided by wonderful childhood memories that elicited feelings of safety and support, all triggered by food groups that were emotive for me.
Notably – I would eat toast. It reminded me of family Sunday mornings when preparing our breakfast, or that piece piled high with butter last thing before bed. Cosy in my dressing gown, the pretend fire on, mum and dad watching television and my brother sat at my side.
Toast
Toast is the hug I have been waiting for,
Comforting after my day,
Wrapping its warm arms around me,
I love you is what it`s trying to say.
Toast is the holiday I have needed,
Taking me away from right now,
Giving me a break from reality,
Forgetting life`s woes, what`s and if how`s.
Toast is the Mum to protect me,
Loving despite all I do,
Cooking, cleaning and just infallable,
Mum`s are one of a precious few.
Toast is the father I am missing,
Daddy`s safety is all that I crave,
Returning home with his briefcase,
Stern knowing words when I may misbehave.
Toast is the companion I need in my brother,
A friend without rivalry or distaste,
Laughing at each other’s jokes,
Sharing features across both of our face.
Toast is the husband I have dreamt of,
Singing bringing breakfast in bed,
Sitting massaging my feet,
And kissing the top of my head.
Toast is the comfort I have been seeking,
Filling this void deep inside,
Ridding this feeling of `just empty`
Yet also stripping me away of my pride.
Because toast is just me just with longing,
A suture to heal all my pain,
Giving a taste of love and protection,
A feeling that later, I will only just drain..
I have learnt to try and recreate these feelings of safety without the use of aids or crutches…but it has not been easy. To also try not to escape uncomfortable feelings, but to learn how to sit with them and ride them out like the wave that they are…but it has not been easy. I have learnt that comforts from childhood don’t always exist as an adult and that it is ok to feel scared and vulnerable…but it has not been easy.
If this rings a bell for you, please do seek support. Any form of addicition opens the door to a rapidly declining downward spiral. You may feel in control one day and out of it the next. That is ok and not a reason to delay seeking help. Not every addiction is how it is portrayed in films…..
#life #eatingdisorders #mentalhealth #wellness #bingeeating
Eating Disorder (Anorexia, BED, Bulimia & EDNOS) Recovery Support Group
Beating Eating Disorders
#serotonin #feelgood #toast #childhood #memories #help #support
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