Smiling through the Sadness
There is a huge campaign recently to promote those who have depression, yet continue to smile.
Aka the rule of all rules….don’t judge a book by its cover.
A number of people I know committed suicide days after posting glorious holiday photographs on Facebook. It seemed as though they were having the time of their lives, and I’m so sorry to realise that this was not the case and that they did not ask for help.
I wanted to post some photographs of myself smiling when struggling. Although not suffering with depression at the time of these photographs, I was suffering with severe anxiety. On all of these days that are posted, I had binged and vomited numerous times in that day and felt trapped by my desire to be as thin as when I was anorexic, but completely incapable of ceasing the binges. I felt suffocated and immensely shameful.
I would scrub my hands each time that I purged but be unable to clear the scent of vomit from them. The scent was like a bad omen reminding me that, although I may have felt a little better by the end of the day, I had huge problems that I didn’t even know how to address or how to escape.
I often found on these day, I could sometimes over compensate and be extra playful, extra upbeat or potentially even quite short with people. Anything that would keep people at a distance. I didn’t want them to hold me and feel my disgraceful fat, or get close enough to smell the truth.
So if you have fears about your friends, don’t shy away from offering support. Just because they seem to be doing ‘better’ or because they are laughing and smiling, doesn’t mean they don’t still need you.
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